PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at March 18th, 2009

I drive to work through a residential area and for some reason certain people walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk, just traipsing down the road like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I want to stop and tell them: This is where the CARS GO. See this big thing I’m sitting in? It’s a car. You could get hit by one of these big giant cars. See that nice cement path over there by the grass? Yeah, that’s for you.

Then we have the bicyclists. There are a lot more lately, and they need to learn the rules of the road. Beware: they blow through stop signs without so much as a glance to the side. When I was a kid we stopped and looked both ways. At traffic lights we actually got off and walked our bikes in the crosswalk. Such a quaint old custom. Now they just get in the car lane. When you’re driving your car, you must accommodate them. Roll along at six miles an hour until you get a chance to pass. They even get in the left-turn lane, which is incredibly dangerous when you’re behind them trying to time your turn. They must get out of the way. Seriously. I have a GAS PEDAL.

Posted by Paul at March 16th, 2009

Tap the screen. Not on the copier. The screen on the table next to the copier. OK, touch where it says “copying”. Not “printing”, “copying”. OK, press “exit”… Now tap the screen and this time press “copying”. Now scan your Guest Pass. Not there. Under the light. Put it flat on the table. See the red light coming off the scanner? Try to line up the bar code under the light. Move it around… (beep). Good. Now type in your four digit PIN. On the Guest Pass. The four numbers. OK, push “next”. Alright, you can use the copier now. You have one minute to make your first copy. Yes, I’m serious. If you walk away the copier times out. Otherwise someone could use your account. It’s ready now. Push start. The big green button. Push harder. OK, it’s warming up. I don’t know why they changed it. You better get your next page ready before it times out. Don’t forget to press “exit” when you’re done. I know. Yes, I agree, it’s frustrating. You can talk to administration upstairs. You’re welcome.

Posted by Paul at March 13th, 2009

Library patrons now pay for print-outs by adding money to their library cards at an ATM-like machine.

Invariably someone will say: “But I used to just pay here,” and give me a long blank stare. How exactly am I supposed to respond to that?

• Yes. You did, in fact, used to pay here.
• You did? Cool…
• Shut up, you did not!
• Oh yeah, it actually still works that way. What was I thinking? Ha ha.
• It’s amazing, isn’t it? Things that used to be a few months ago are something else now.
• You may still pay here if you like. But that won’t make the printer work.
• Hold on, let me make a few calls and see if I can change the system back to the old way for you. Shouldn’t be more than five or six months. Oh wait, make that never.