PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at July 24th, 2007

I hate jury duty. It’s more than inconvenient, it smacks of a police state. I know: it’s good to have a wide range of people and opinions on juries and it should be the duty of every citizen, blah blah. I know, whatever. Back in December I tried to get out of it by claiming financial hardship. They told me to send proof. Then I found that my employer paid for missed days at jury duty. So I didn’t send anything. Last month I finally heard back. This time the summons had big red letters that said I must call the night before the 24th to clear the ‘Failure to Appear’ from December. Again the summons was for downtown, at 7:30 in the morning. I threw the God-awful thing in the trash as if it would singe my fingers. Soon I dug it back out in fear of being fined or losing my freedom, which I’ve grown quite accustomed to, thanks very much. I went back and forth over what to do until the eve of the required phone-in. Couldn’t I just forget it? After all, I had been subpoenaed as a witness in a murder trial. Didn’t that count for something? Would they really come after me, or just mail another one a few months later? My wife’s birthday was coming up that week. Also, I hadn’t mentioned the summons to my employer, hoping in vain that by pretending it didn’t exist it would somehow go away. Online I found you needed a written excuse to postpone, but it was too late to mail anything. Then I found a phone number: not an 800 number, not an automated system, but a jury clerk you could phone between 3:30 and 4:30 pm. It was nearly 4, so I scribbled down the number. I almost didn’t call. They’d probably know my red letter status and instruct me to show up, or else. So I mulled the whole thing over until just before 4:30. Anxious to resolve it one way or the other, I called. An efficient young gentleman answered and agreed to postpone my jury duty until November. No written excuse needed, no mention of red letter status, no problem. Such relief… Unfortunately, you’re only allowed one postponement. Guess I’ll need to figure out something new in November.

Posted by Paul at July 13th, 2007

The following will be one in a series of verbatim conversations I have on the job.

Paul: Excuse me sir, someone else has computer number 4 right now. If you want a computer you’ll need to come sign up.
Man: I was on number 3 but it got stuck.
P: OK, I’ll restart 3, but this man is now on 4, so you need to get up. (restarts computer 3)
M: Can’t he just have 3 and I’ll stay on 4?
P: That would be up to him.
M: Up to HIM?
P: Yes.
M: Why?
P: Because, once again, he has computer 4. It’s up to him if he wants to trade.
M: Can I sign up for a different one?
P: You’ll need to come see what’s available.

MAN GOES TO COUNTER WHERE PAUL IS NOW WAITING.

M: I’m already signed up on 3.
P: OK, I restarted it. (beat) You can go use it now.

And… scene.

Posted by Paul at July 8th, 2007

To warn us about climate change they put on a spectacle. It took seven continents and three television networks to broadcast (Bravo, Sundance, NBC). Satellite hook-ups, megawatt lighting and amplification, giant video displays. Several hundred thousand people to drive to the various stadiums worldwide, and two billion more people to watch it all on their television sets. But what really brought the Live Earth Concerts for a Climate in Crisis home for me was on NBC when a climate change expert in the television studio, who sounded like she was addressing a kindergarten class, held up a cell phone charger: “You need to unplug these when you’re not charging your phone because they still use electricity…” So they can burn enough fossil fuel in a day to kick start the climate change they’re so concerned about, but I’m supposed to get down on my knees and unplug my fucking phone charger every time I finish charging my phone. How about the power strip for my computer? Doesn’t that use power too? Should I unplug my toaster? How about all that state-of-the-art equipment running worldwide to drag out some tired 80s rock acts..?