PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at January 31st, 2007

I work at the only library in a major metropolis with no sign-up software on the internet computers. Instead, we write your name down on a sheet: “You have computer #4 at 12:30. Let the person sitting there know it’s your time…” Because — in case you didn’t know — library patrons are all identical automatons who follow rules to the letter. They’re not a mixture of people in some sort of life crisis, depressives, schizophrenics, spoiled children, and clueless seniors. No, no, no. They all fit seamlessly into our “system.” No confusion, no arguments here!

Oh, and look — a coffee shop is being built in the lobby. It will open any day now. What’s that you say? Why would they build a coffee shop when none of the copy machines or microfilm readers work? Silly library user. The library director knows what’s best. For instance, on Saturday morning she took the library’s copy of the New York Times and put it on a desk… somewhere. Nobody could find it for hours. Ha, ha. Silly coffee shop, I mean library director. And all those silly library patrons, blaming yours truly for not knowing where the paper was. Did I mention the coffee shop will also sell fudge? Yum…

Posted by Paul at January 23rd, 2007

Newly elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb’s response to the president’s state of the union speech is worth watching.

Too bad Webb has only been in the senate a few weeks and wouldn’t dare run for president. He was once Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Navy (Yes, actual military credentials, unlike Bush, Cheney, or Hillary), he’s from the bible belt, and his forthright rebuttal to Bush just made him a lot more familiar. His take on Iraq is clear where Hillary’s is murky. Webb would at least make a great running mate for someone (Obama?).

Posted by Paul at January 17th, 2007

Bill O’Reilly on Shawn Hornbeck, the kidnapped teenager in Missouri:

The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn’t have to go to school. He could run around and do whatever he wanted.

That’s right, Bill. Shawn Hornbeck liked it. Kidnapped by a stranger at age eleven, ripped away from his family. Terrorized. Four years of having his identity subjugated. He had fun. Made to be the live in sex toy for a middle aged man. Oh yeah… That’s what bad little boys like, right Bill??

Posted by Paul at January 16th, 2007

As Obesity Hits Cafeteria, Many Fear a Note From School

Dear Mr. and Mrs. American Parent,

We feel it is our job to point out to you that your child is really fat. Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but it’s become quite apparent to those of us here at school who have to look at him everyday. Well, he’s pretty hard to miss, isn’t he (Ha ha)?

Anyway, we’ve included a great recipe for grilled salmon with brown rice pilaf to get you started on healthy substitutes for the crap you’ve been letting him eat. A brisk walk after dinner would also help. You see, obesity is unhealthy. It’s really bad, okay? We’d like to see your child slim down right away unless you want to get another note.

Oh yes, cavities are bad, too, so watch out for those. One more thing, we noticed he has a new pimple on his chin. We recommend glycerin soap with hot water, pat dry with a clean cloth, and some Oxy-10 to finish. Don’t let him just pop it — too much oil in the fingertips, particularly with all the greasy food he eats.

Remember, we’re not only here to educate your child. We’re here to tell you how to raise him since you’re apparently too stupid and self-involved to figure it out yourself.

Condescendingly,

Your Child’s Concerned Educators

Posted by Paul at January 15th, 2007

Rather than bring the occupation in Iraq to a conclusion, as everyone outside his inner circle has recommended, President Bush will now throw more gasoline on the fire with more troops. More ominously, he’s got Iran in his sites. Heavily armed aircraft carriers have been sent to the Persian Gulf. The Iranian consulate in Iraq was raided, arrests were made. Another thing he didn’t tell you in his speech: he will now use the CIA to take on Hizbollah, Iran’s armed wing in Lebanon. Not only is Bush assuring we will get bogged down in Iraq beyond the reach of his administration, he is aggressively baiting a rogue nuclear nation that actually is run by Islamic militants. The Baker Commission advised talking with Iran, but Bush/Cheney see that as acting weak. I guess Regan was weak when he talked to the Soviet Union and Nixon was weak when he talked to China. Or maybe Regan and Nixon were prudent and ultimately wanted peace. Now we have George W. Bush, a neocon/evangelical who’s made it his mission to enrich corporate America at all costs, while gladly doing his best to hasten Armageddon in the middle east.

CIA gets the go-ahead to take on Hizbollah - Telegraph
U.S. Troops Raid 2 Iranian Targets in Iraq - Washington Post
U.S. Iran Tensions Rise — 2nd Carrier To Gulf - Scoop

UPDATE: U.S. ‘Iran attack plans’ revealed

Posted by Paul at January 12th, 2007

Bob Dylan bores me to tears — Simon Cowell

Hi! I’m a pithy pop music impresario with no soul. Sorry, I just don’t hear the “feeling,” (whatever that is), in Bob Dylan’s voice. I’m sure it’s there, somewhere, because that’s what alot of people have said, haven’t they? Well, maybe not! Really, I know best, and to my ears, no, Dylan just doesn’t have, and really never had, the goods. And all those songs, what’s THAT all about? What drivel! Poet for a generation, please. Anyway, music shouldn’t be about something. Music is a pre-packaged product that I, and other automatons like me, endorse. It doesn’t speak to the “soul” or the bloody “intellect.” Kelly Clarkson — that’s music. Just listen to her. The next Aretha Franklin. See? I’m edgy. I compared Kelly to a veteran from the 60s and I knocked another veteran from the 60s. That’s how I stir up controversy a week before the new season of American Idol premiers. But seriously, I just don’t get Bob Dylan, never did. Bores me to tears. I really don’t know what those silly critics are talking about. His “music”, if that’s what you want to call it, is actually quite dreadful. There, I’ve said it, so it must be so.

Posted by Paul at January 8th, 2007

If you’re unsure why the president would send more troops to Iraq against the advice of military and congressional leaders, read this article from The Independent. As Bush extends the occupation of Iraq into the future for the next administration to handle, a new law is quietly being drafted in Baghdad to guarantee oil profits for western energy companies. Apparently, the backers of the Bush administration will now get their due in the form of a puppet government that does the bidding of Big Oil (Iraq itself may be in chaos, but you can bet the oil fields are locked down tight). All this should be quite a juggling act for Prime Minister Malaki, who, by the way, has aligned his “democratic” government squarely with the Shiite insurgency. Oh, I’m sure another “surge” of troops will go exactly as “planned” like everything else to this point… At least Dick Cheney’s smoke-blowing should dissapate as the end game for his grand neocon scheme plays out; it’s no coincidence the oil legislation in Iraq will be introduced just before Cheney’s tactics are finally held to account. It’s up to the new congress to find a way to block war funding or try to put a cap on troop levels, or more importantly, to expose Bush/Cheney for the Big Oil shills they can no longer pretend not to be.

The Bush administration used the military invasion of Iraq to oust its leader, replace its government, implement new economic and political laws, and write a new constitution. The new economic laws have transformed Iraq’s economy, applying some of the most radical — and sought-after — corporate globalization policies in the world and locking in sweeping advantages to U.S. corporations. Through the ongoing occupation, the Bush administration seeks to ensure that both Iraq’s new government and this new economic structure stay firmly in place. The ultimate goal — opening Iraq to U.S. oil companies — is reaching fruition. — In These Times

Meanwhile, the Al-Qaeda leadership is rebuilding in Pakistan.

Posted by Paul at January 3rd, 2007

To the thoughtless scumbag who used my lost debit card to buy three tanks of gasoline, a Domino’s pizza, and thirty seven dollars (!) worth of McDonalds: SUCK SATAN’S COCK!!! You’re a piece of excrement floating on an oil slick! You’re a rotting haggis devoured by maggots!! Eat my hemorrhoid ridden anus! EAT ME!!! Fuck… I thought my debit card was somwhere in my car or at home, so I foolishly waited a day to report it missing. AHHHHHH! Just enough time for you and your worthless friends to gorge yourself on pizza and hamburgers and fill up your miserable gas guzzling trucks. Dumb fucks — all you could think to buy was GREASE! HA!! Praise be to Allah and Belelzebub to smite your names in eternal hellfire!! Better yet, pay my mortgage!! Then go and dangle like Saddam, bloodsuckers!!!

(Hat tip for ‘Suck Satan’s cock’: the late great Bill Hicks)