PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at July 8th, 2010

Sure, go check-out books. After thirteen years in Periodicals. Endless rolls of microfilm, little pencils, request slips, stock reports, magazines. Internet sign-up and user help. Scanning rare newspapers for Historical, maintaining the database. By-appointment “CyberCoach”. Working the Audio Visual desk. All this has prepared me for… checking out books.

But who will cover Periodicals/internet, etc, etc? Bingo: someone with less seniority and experience. By the way, train them to do your job. Thanks. Then go check-out books. No, that’s it, just that. Oh, and check them in. You’re welcome. By the way, this is not a business we’re running; bureaucracy usurps logic.

On second thought, no. I’m able to survive without the little money you pay (the amount of which hasn’t budged in four years), the limited hours you offer, and the no vacation pay. Leaving, done, sayonara. I’ll miss my co-workers in Periodicals and the city hall gym. Two weeks notice.

Last day: supervisor sends me to Admin, Admin sends me to HR, who send me back to Admin. While I’m in Admin, HR calls and tells me to come back in a hour. When I get to HR again I wait half an hour. I’m told the guy who has my last check is on break. Apparently he took it with him (?). They will mail it to me instead. Fine, I say, and leave HR. About what I expected.

The final minutes come after thirteen years in the library. Does management come downstairs and offer a farewell? The gumption cannot be summoned. Other than some awkward goodbyes with co-workers, the day ends like any other.

A week later my supervisor texts me: I have your last check here. Want me to drop it in the mail..?

(Uh, Next courtesy Bill Walker)

Posted by Paul at September 29th, 2009

That’s right, the Guest Pass only gives you an hour on the computer. But see all the people using computers for more than an hour? They have library cards. You too can get a library card and stay on for more than an hour. Really, you can. I know: you’re worried about your privacy and don’t want to give out your info. But in reality your home address and phone number will just sit in a computer file unnoticed. Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. No one in the library knows who you are or wants to find out. They just don’t give a crap. I understand it’s a hard concept to grasp at first, you being an unemployed social outcast with borderline personality disorder and all. But really, no one cares. You can give us your info and get a library card. You can use the computers for two-and-a-half hours a day. Nothing bad will happen. Then you can stop complaining about the one hour Guest Pass, so it’s win-win. At least think about it.

Posted by Paul at September 21st, 2009

The library can be a peaceful place, punctuated by occasional moments of insanity. One unstable young woman is known to hurl curse words and racial epithets. She cussed out a small boy, threw beverages at two different people on two different occasions, and once verbally harassed an elderly man, causing him to fall to the floor. Four written complaints have been filed, yet she is still allowed to visit, presumably until she shows up with a weapon of some sort, I’m not entirely sure. Those of us who work downstairs with the public have done our part by reporting her threatening behavior. Upstairs, management has done theirs by misplacing the first three complaints.

So, come on down to the library, ticking time-bombs. There’s a place for you here with plenty of unsuspecting children and seniors. And free internet access to fuel your paranoid delusions. Enjoy.

Posted by Paul at August 31st, 2009

Where do I pick up my prints?

Right over there, at the printer where that man is standing. You’ll be after him.

But isn’t he going to get my prints?

They’re not coming out now. There’s a touchscreen next to the printer. You log-on with your account. Then it will print.

So if I go click print it will come out of that printer?

Yes. Whenever you’re ready to pick up your print job, you will log-on to that printer using the touchscreen right next to it, and it will print out.

But how do I know when my prints are coming out?

After you click “print” you’re going to take your account number, the one you used to get on the computer? And you will go log-on on to that printer right there, and your print job is gonna come SHOOTING OUT OF IT.

OK, thanks.

Posted by Paul at June 11th, 2009

A man in his 30s comes to the library every day to read and browse our collection, we’ll call him Tom. Sometimes Tom can be seen standing motionless in the stacks, concentrating intently on the shelved books. Well, make that between the shelved books. More often than not, a young female will be opposite Tom in the next aisle or at a table studying. Since no one complains and he doesn’t seem to do anything but discreetly watch, management allows him to stay.

A few years ago a library monitor saw Tom “playing with himself”. You might think this sort of activity would get you kicked out of a public library. Not always. Tom marched upstairs and convinced management he wasn’t playing with himself, but simply “adjusting”. These adjustments were necessary, he said, because of a condition known as elephantiasis of the genitals. I am not making this up.

So, Tom and his unwieldy package continue to frequent the library. Until yesterday, when a distraught college girl reported a man loudly masturbating in the stacks. Tom was asked to leave.

UPDATE: Punishment: one month suspension from the library.

Posted by Paul at March 16th, 2009

Tap the screen. Not on the copier. The screen on the table next to the copier. OK, touch where it says “copying”. Not “printing”, “copying”. OK, press “exit”… Now tap the screen and this time press “copying”. Now scan your Guest Pass. Not there. Under the light. Put it flat on the table. See the red light coming off the scanner? Try to line up the bar code under the light. Move it around… (beep). Good. Now type in your four digit PIN. On the Guest Pass. The four numbers. OK, push “next”. Alright, you can use the copier now. You have one minute to make your first copy. Yes, I’m serious. If you walk away the copier times out. Otherwise someone could use your account. It’s ready now. Push start. The big green button. Push harder. OK, it’s warming up. I don’t know why they changed it. You better get your next page ready before it times out. Don’t forget to press “exit” when you’re done. I know. Yes, I agree, it’s frustrating. You can talk to administration upstairs. You’re welcome.

Posted by Paul at March 13th, 2009

Library patrons now pay for print-outs by adding money to their library cards at an ATM-like machine.

Invariably someone will say: “But I used to just pay here,” and give me a long blank stare. How exactly am I supposed to respond to that?

• Yes. You did, in fact, used to pay here.
• You did? Cool…
• Shut up, you did not!
• Oh yeah, it actually still works that way. What was I thinking? Ha ha.
• It’s amazing, isn’t it? Things that used to be a few months ago are something else now.
• You may still pay here if you like. But that won’t make the printer work.
• Hold on, let me make a few calls and see if I can change the system back to the old way for you. Shouldn’t be more than five or six months. Oh wait, make that never.

Posted by Paul at December 22nd, 2008

When they postponed until December what was supposed to be done four months ago, I just smiled. My supervisor assured me it would really happen this time. But I knew better. Today the “I told you so” moment came: internet sign-up software won’t be installed until after Christmas… Happy Holidays!

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1) A particularly attractive or pleasant library patron will show up only when a smelly mentally ill library patron is present, and vice-versa.

2) Although there is a small monthly fee to park in the employee garage, when I get to work Monday and Tuesday mornings it’s full.

3) Every six months or so some busy-body library patron will come in and lecture me on how to do my job. I’m not permitted to tell them to fuck off and get a life.

Posted by Paul at August 25th, 2008

Internet sign-up software (known as Pharos) was supposed to be up and running in the library by August 11 or 12. Two weeks after that failed to happen, a post appeared on the staff blog:

We are developing a rational plan for implementation which will roll out pieces of the system in an organized fashion. This will also allow for the development of documentation before rolling out a service rather than after.

I’ve been waiting for this software for about 9 years, so naturally I was impelled to leave a comment (anonymously, of course).  An unexpected comment-off ensued with the library director, which I’ve copied and pasted. Notice how she tries to remain cheerful while offering no real explanation, with just the slightest whiff of condescension. Bravo!

… and we’re just deciding to do this now because..?

Hi anonymous. Can you clarify your question? Why are we just deciding to implement Pharos altogether or implement on a few computers or roll out the system slowly or?? Thanks.

Why are we just now “developing a rational plan for implementation” when we planned to have the whole thing working 2 weeks ago?

Oh! Thanks for clarifying. As we were rolling out the software it became clear that we had two choices. One was to implement the whole thing and drive everyone (public and staff) crazy with trying to adapt to this new way of doing business. I have all of the confidence that we could have pulled it off, but it would have undoubtedly been a bumpy road. The other choice was to set up the system behind the scenes and then set up a test environment in which we could try it out, test it, make sure we know how it works and then roll it out over time in as many logical chunks as possible. We chose the second option, although I’m happy to hear (at least by implication) that people are eager to have the system rolled out. Thanks!

Just saying we might have made these decisions before the planned roll out date.

Yes, but, how does that Rod Stewart song go? “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger. I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was stronger.” We didn’t know that we had the option to roll it out at a slower pace until we began arollin’ it. Even with the best project planning I’ve never had a project go exactly as planned. Sometimes you have to make strategic decisions along the way because it’s difficult to plan for every contingency when you are doing something brand new…since I don’t think we’ll be rolling out another whole new Pharos in my lifetime, I can’t really promise that next time will go any differently…Thanks for sharing your concerns!

Sorry to labor the point, but someone somewhere has done this before. We could have learned some things before rolling it out, rather than during. A lesson learned.

You’re right. Without question it’s been done before. As you may have heard staff visited UCLA and talked with Thousand Oaks. We had multiple conference calls with the vendor, and many meetings with IT. We developed lists of questions (some of which the vendor or IT could answer, some of which they couldn’t). But, ultimately I don’t have a crystal ball. And how someone does something somewhere else and how we do something here are really two different things. You can’t just copy and paste a solution from one library to another with a system that is this complex and which changes business practices for the public and staff so drastically. It’s not like we’re installing a soda machine. The decisions we make about how the system is rolled out here are tailored for here. The level of service that our patrons expect here is different than it is in other cities. The expectations that we have of ourselves are different. In fact, I do have to thank you for holding us to a high standard. I think that’s important.

Sure, no problem. And thanks for making my argument for me by listing the hurdles we had to overcome before installation. It’s nice to know we used some unanswered questions and an imaginary orb to plan the future, and that it’s not at all like putting in a soda machine, which apparently you just realized. The idea that there was simply no way to address our needs until the long planned for day of installation seems naive at best. I realize this is a huge undertaking, which is precisely why we had to assess our needs and how we would implement the software before we told everyone it would be up and running. See how that works? Anyway, at least we have the answers now (We do, don’t we..?). Thank goodness they finally, um, revealed themselves.

(OK, I embellished the last comment. This is PAUL RANTS, after all.)

UPDATE: Two weeks later and… still nothing.

UPDATE II: Three months later and..? Nothing.

Posted by Paul at August 2nd, 2008

The library I work in is about to be turned upside down and shaken. Books and other media will all trade places in a kind of uncalled for musical chairs. Dvds will now be front and center. The reference librarians will get tucked away upstairs, safely ensconced from anyone but people who actually want to do serious research. The “Teen Zone” will open, with X-box, Wii, and a 50″ plasma TV (and no, the Teen Zone isn’t sound proof). The hated internet sign-up sheet will go the way of, well, the way of internet sign-up sheets about nine years ago. A new automated system will greet the dazed library fly with unfamiliar protocols and time limits. They, in turn, will come to yours truly for assistance. You may think this is trading one headache for another. And you’d be correct. But a merciless piece of software will make final decisions on internet time, not me. Even better, each patron will be — automatically by a computer program, mind you — allotted no more than 2 hours of computer time per day (giggle). I can think of four patrons off the top of my head who monopolize our pcs from the time we open until the time we close. Oh, how I will savor the looks on their faces… I can then go about not missing them when they make other arrangements for their freeloading. Woo hoo!