PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at February 14th, 2010

I’m bestowing the title of Pop Culture Douchebag of the Year on John Mayer. Once a mainstream music critic’s darling, he’ll soon realize they all now put “yes” before his name as a qualifier, as if to apologize for mentioning him.

Someone said Mayer acts as if he’s too hip to ever be caught listening to the type of music he himself plays. I think that sums him up pretty well.

Now he’s having some kind of breakdown because he used the “N” word and has to go cry about it on TV.

Or how about the time he sang and played acoustic guitar for a small group of female fans, but first he asks them: “How long do you think I’ll play before I make you cry..?” Then he plays the song and makes each of them weep, one at a time. Man, that’s epic. If I gave out Ego of the Century he’d be a lock.

Posted by Paul at September 21st, 2009

Congratulations to former sit-com actress and huckster Suzanne Somers (eviscerated here by April Winchell), for being completely clueless, showing incredible chutzpah and a jarring insensitivity, bordering on the psychotic.

Posted by Paul at April 14th, 2009

Here’s film director Kevin Macdonald talking about the closing shot in his new film State of Play, of a newspaper printing press:

“It’s the last hurrah for this analog technology. You look at it and it feels like this noble beast, the last lion in the wilderness . . . ” — LA Times

The closing shot from your movie is the last hurrah of analog technology. Thanks for pointing this out to those of us who weren’t sure when the last hurrah would come, or what it would look like. Indeed, you are the oracle of our times.

Here he is on Brad Pitt, who made a research visit to the Washington Post before dropping out of the movie:

“It was the biggest thing that ever happened there.”

Brad Pitt’s visit to do research for your movie is the biggest thing that ever happened at the Washington Post. Forcing President Nixon from office in 1974 was small potatoes compared to Pitt gracing them with his other-worldly presence. Either that or you’re trying to be funny. Ha ha.

“It’s a thriller with some comedy. The best movies are fun and make you think. Smart entertainment is the thing there’s a shortage of.”

Thank goodness we can rely on you to fill the smart entertainment void with your movie. I guess it’s possible State of Play could be considered one of the best. Haven’t seen it yet. But guess what? You’re still a douchebag.

Posted by Paul at March 18th, 2009

I drive to work through a residential area and for some reason certain people walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk, just traipsing down the road like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I want to stop and tell them: This is where the CARS GO. See this big thing I’m sitting in? It’s a car. You could get hit by one of these big giant cars. See that nice cement path over there by the grass? Yeah, that’s for you.

Then we have the bicyclists. There are a lot more lately, and they need to learn the rules of the road. Beware: they blow through stop signs without so much as a glance to the side. When I was a kid we stopped and looked both ways. At traffic lights we actually got off and walked our bikes in the crosswalk. Such a quaint old custom. Now they just get in the car lane. When you’re driving your car, you must accommodate them. Roll along at six miles an hour until you get a chance to pass. They even get in the left-turn lane, which is incredibly dangerous when you’re behind them trying to time your turn. They must get out of the way. Seriously. I have a GAS PEDAL.

Posted by Paul at January 10th, 2009

Comedian Dane Cook is considered by many to be a douchebag. I liked him when he first appeared on Letterman, but mega-success seemed to change him. First, he invented his own hand gesture. Then, during one of his HBO concert specials — in the round of course, with giant video displays — I was stunned to hear him glorify the Bible in the punchline to one of his “jokes”. He got a huge cheer and stood there with his chest puffed out. The Messianic Complex had reared its head; we saw it with Scott Stapp, lead singer of the rock band Creed (certified douchebag). Except for the guitars and drums, Cook is now the same as Stapp. Success can have a debilitating effect on performers (i.e. Kurt Cobain, not a douchebag), or it can have a debilitating effect on the audience.

Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois is a prime example of a douchebag firing on all cylinders. It’s likely he was a garden variety douchebag before he tried to sell a U.S. Senate seat. Then, rather than hide his ridiculously coiffed head in the sand, he chose to strut around for the cameras. So he’s certifiable now. In fact,  this unique combination of chutzpah and cluelessness is the hallmark of a true douchebag. Bravo Blago!

Posted by Paul at December 29th, 2008

Dick Cheney has no idea why he is so unpopular.

Allow me to explain, Dick. Trumping up a war to siphon billions to war contractors just doesn’t sit well with most people. When you cause American soldiers to be killed by authorizing torture, and let the grunts who carried out your orders twist in the wind, well, that stings a bit as well. And outing a CIA officer? To get back at her husband for disagreeing with you? Yeah, ouch. You lied us in to a costly occupation with no strategy. You subverted the U.S. Constitution. You violated the Geneva Conventions. In fact, it’s become clear you’re probably a war criminal. I don’t think it was the “tough decisions” that made you so unpopular, as you claim. It was actually the tragic, greedy, illegal decisions that did it.

So… we all clear now?

Posted by Paul at February 7th, 2008

Mitt Romney leaves the race and takes a swipe at the Democrats:

If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. — Mitt Romney

So staying in the race would help the terrorists. Well thanks for, um, saving us, Mitt… by quitting. And surrender to terror? What about the billions we’ve surrendered, the thousands of lives we’ve taken or put in harms way? And for what gain? Does he really think finally changing this disastrous policy is a surrender to terror? To common sense, maybe. Just how are we stopping future terrorism by inciting it abroad? It’s so painfully obvious we need a smarter approach to national security and terrorism. This is why twice the number of Democrats as Republicans are voting in the primaries. The thing is, Romney, a moderate Governor, probaby doesn’t really believe this shit, he just thinks it’s what he has to say. What a slimeball. At least McCain has convictions, however misguided.

Posted by Paul at December 21st, 2007

“My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.” – R. Kelly

Posted by Paul at January 12th, 2007

Bob Dylan bores me to tears — Simon Cowell

Hi! I’m a pithy pop music impresario with no soul. Sorry, I just don’t hear the “feeling,” (whatever that is), in Bob Dylan’s voice. I’m sure it’s there, somewhere, because that’s what alot of people have said, haven’t they? Well, maybe not! Really, I know best, and to my ears, no, Dylan just doesn’t have, and really never had, the goods. And all those songs, what’s THAT all about? What drivel! Poet for a generation, please. Anyway, music shouldn’t be about something. Music is a pre-packaged product that I, and other automatons like me, endorse. It doesn’t speak to the “soul” or the bloody “intellect.” Kelly Clarkson — that’s music. Just listen to her. The next Aretha Franklin. See? I’m edgy. I compared Kelly to a veteran from the 60s and I knocked another veteran from the 60s. That’s how I stir up controversy a week before the new season of American Idol premiers. But seriously, I just don’t get Bob Dylan, never did. Bores me to tears. I really don’t know what those silly critics are talking about. His “music”, if that’s what you want to call it, is actually quite dreadful. There, I’ve said it, so it must be so.

Posted by Paul at December 10th, 2006

50 Cent: ‘Winfrey’s Turned White’

So…watch a lot of Oprah, do ya 50? Did you catch the one where she gave makeovers to homeless ladies? Did you love that or what? Hey, you and your crew ought to throw a Oprah watching party — and make it a potluck! That would really be fabulous. You know what else? You’re so on the money — Oprah ought to have more rap artists on her show. The hip hop crowd must be a gigantic part of her demographic. What is up with that? She’s been on TV for twenty years and y’all been right there for the child abuse victims and the fashion previews, just eatin’ that shit up. Just waitin’ for her to bust out with some hip hop. Why the fuck does she only play to white ladies in middle America, anyway? Just because it’s mostly them watching and shit. Man, you are right about her… By the way, how much you gave to charities in Africa? Build any schools there? Donated to any African American universities? Provide any low cost housing for any inner city families lately? No? But, man, those diamond encrusted rims on your Escalade are poppin’! 50, you are right: If Oprah don’t start bustin’ out with some hip hop she’s just straight up cream filled like a ding dong, know what I’m sayin’?