PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at January 14th, 2010

Posted by Paul at January 10th, 2010

According to Brit Hume of Fox News, Tiger Woods needs Jesus. Well alright, Jesus has a nice message. But why Tiger? Hume must be profoundly disappointed in him — “Et tu, squeaky-clean racially ambiguous golf diety?” — jettisoning his credibility as a news anchor (OK, a Fox News anchor, but still) and publicly inviting Tiger to follow Jesus. Imagine if Wolf Blitzer or Katie Couric did this. It’s hard to, because they wouldn’t. And if they did, they’d have to retire the next day and be replaced by a real news anchor. Which means, even if they manage to report some news stories, Fox News is in fact a fake news channel. This is not hyperbole or exaggeration or bias; their anchorman announced on air that Tiger Woods needs to find Jesus. I guess those who deny poor kids healthcare — before they go out and cheat on their wives — have already found Him.

Posted by Paul at September 29th, 2009

That’s right, the Guest Pass only gives you an hour on the computer. But see all the people using computers for more than an hour? They have library cards. You too can get a library card and stay on for more than an hour. Really, you can. I know: you’re worried about your privacy and don’t want to give out your info. But in reality your home address and phone number will just sit in a computer file unnoticed. Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. No one in the library knows who you are or wants to find out. They just don’t give a crap. I understand it’s a hard concept to grasp at first, you being an unemployed social outcast with borderline personality disorder and all. But really, no one cares. You can give us your info and get a library card. You can use the computers for two-and-a-half hours a day. Nothing bad will happen. Then you can stop complaining about the one hour Guest Pass, so it’s win-win. At least think about it.

Posted by Paul at September 22nd, 2009

Posted by Paul at September 21st, 2009

The library can be a peaceful place, punctuated by moments of insanity. One unstable young woman is known to hurl curse words and racial epithets. She cussed out a small boy, threw beverages at two different people on two different occasions, and once verbally harassed an elderly man, causing him to fall to the floor. Four written complaints have been filed, yet she is still allowed to visit, presumably until she shows up with a weapon of some sort, I’m not entirely sure. Those of us who work downstairs with the public have done our part by reporting her threatening behavior. Upstairs, management has done theirs by misplacing the first three complaints.

So, come on down to the library, ticking time-bombs. There’s a place for you here with plenty of unsuspecting children and seniors, as well as free internet access to fuel your paranoid delusions. Enjoy!

Posted by Paul at September 21st, 2009

Congratulations to former sit-com actress and huckster Suzanne Somers (eviscerated here by April Winchell)

Posted by Paul at September 17th, 2009

If Republicans in congress represent fringe paranoids and racists, can’t a sane majority get any attention from Democrats?

Under Bush, congress pushed through a 700 billion dollar Medicare bill, most of which went to drug companies. Now the bloated health insurance industry gets even more special treatment, with Democrats complicit. And their proxies, the loud and the ignorant, control the debate. The rest of us are letting it happen.

UPDATE

Posted by Paul at September 16th, 2009

Whatever steaming pile of compromise we end up getting on healthcare, does anyone really believe the beauracracy will run any better?

We scheduled a doctor’s appointment recently — they happily took our Medi-Cal info and gave us a time to come in. A week later we show up and hear: “Oh, sorry, this doctor doesn’t accept Medi-Cal.” And, oh, you expected one of us here in the doctor’s office — the same number you called to get the appointment — to take the blame for the screw-up? Sorry, no, we are simply going to stare vacantly at you and repeat that we don’t accept Medi-Cal. AFTER ONE OF US ALREADY TOOK YOUR MEDI-CAL NUMBER AND GAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT. NO, TO REVEAL ANY TRACE OF CULPABILITY WOULD BE TOO MUCH TO ASK. PLEASE BE GONE NOW.

Posted by Paul at August 31st, 2009

Where do I pick up my prints?

Right over there, at the printer where that man is standing. You’ll be after him.

But isn’t he going to get my prints?

They’re not coming out now. There’s a touchscreen next to the printer. You log-on with your account. Then it will print.

So if I go click print it will come out of that printer?

Yes. Whenever you’re ready to pick up your print job, you will log-on to that printer using the touchscreen right next to it, and it will print out.

But how do I know when my prints are coming out?

After you click print you’re going to take your account number, the one you used to get on the computer? And you will go log-on on to that printer right there, and your print job is gonna come SHOOTING OUT OF IT.

OK, thanks.

Posted by Paul at August 21st, 2009

Hooray! The guy who blew up 270 innocent people is out of prison and back home in Libya! Our hearts are swelling with pride. Thank Allah our guy took care of those despicable airline passengers and crew. Can you imagine the audacity to go on vacation or do business in Europe? And bring children along? Let’s not forget those who died on the ground who had the gall to live below where the plane exploded. Wave your flags and celebrate the return of our brave hero! Thanks British Petroleum, and everyone else concerned, for this momentous occasion. And yes, you may buy our oil now. You’re welcome!